It Is What It Is

We all have our phrases and "tells." Body language can be a major indicator of what or how a person feels about something or someone. I've been told I walk and clap my hands when I'm contemplating or bothered by a situation. I have the tendency to chew on the inside of my cheeks or on my lower lip when I'm deep in thought or insecure or nervous about something.

I'm a merciless nail biter....and grind my teeth and talk in my sleep. I like to call it active sleeping. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid, I'll wake up and think for a moment that what had occurred was a reality. During times of high stress, I have moments just as I'm heading into REM where I feel like I'm falling and end up wide awake in an effort to catch myself from falling off the bed.

Lately I haven't been sleeping all that long or frankly, well at all. Five hours has been my normal rest time...even on the weekends when I have the opportunity to sleep in. It's frustrating and annoying. I feel like an old lady...as studies have shown the older you get, the less sleep you need. Personally...that's a crock...as I'm finding myself extremely tired and cranky and discombobulated!

I've cut back on caffeine, counted sheep and attempted to visualize my "happy" place. Lately that place is becoming harder to find...and I wish with all of my being that I'd just snap out of it already. Spring needs to stick and lead into summer...and soon!

So much in my life has changed in such a short period of time, yet it feels like I'm standing still, almost in quick sand. All I want to do is find my happy medium...my definition of peace and contentment. I'd like to live an uncomplicated life, not feel so boggled down by all of the unimportant...miniscule details. I'd like very much not to be angry at someone I care about very deeply...accept that my feelings are out of my control, but recognize that my approach is.

It's hard to push away people you care about, knowing that it's probably for the best...knowing that the situation is never going to be truly resolved. Sometimes you can talk and talk and talk and never find the answer...or maybe it's just that the answer is the one that you don't want to hear...or the person you're talking to doesn't want to hear the truth.

It's taken me an extremely long time to let myself be who I really am...and that reality comes in small doses, only provided to a very select few. I've put myself out there...hung from the limb...and leapt off the tree without a safety net. It really hurt this time when I fell. I suppose it's time for me to stand up, brush off the dirt and the leaves and realize the only person I can blame is me. There's no shame here...for I know that at least I tried...tried to be me...tried to share the good and bad and in between. Even if the outcome wasn't what I wanted, it was what I expected. I'll make it through, just like I always have and will...knowing the ride was nice while it lasted.