I'm being kind of lazy today. I'm currently sitting in the basement (that's where our computer lives), listening to my I-Tunes. Recently it's been all about nostalgia, including my favorite songs from the 90's....and I'm not completely sure just why. Do you think it's possible to have a mid-life crisis in your 30's? It's not like I'm in a bad place right now, it's actually a fantastic time in my life... I suppose I'm just reflecting. Several people from parts of my past have made their re-entry over the past two years, and it's truly been a blessing, but at the same time, it's made me start thinking.
The other day I was asked an interesting question. If I had a magic 8-ball that would tell me what the next year would bring, would I look at it?
My answer? NO.
Why?
Well what if the answer was negative? What if something bad was going to happen. I think rather than living life everyday to its fullest, I'd dwell on whatever it was that was going to occur. Plain and simple...there are so many things in life out of my...out of our control, and I can't spend every minute of the day focusing on what's to come. The same can be said about the past.
The past is part of me, yet it definitely doesn't define who I am right now. I've spent so much time worrying about my past mistakes, at times, it's prevented me from living in the here and now.
Another question this same person asked me. If I could go back and do it all over...be a teenager again, would I want to? Again, I said no. My teenage years were so filled with angst and confusion. I had no idea who I was, or where I wanted to someday be. Granted, there were definitely some amazing times, woven in with the bad, and I still have some wonderful friends from that point in my life...yet...I'm not into "do overs."
Do you remember the first time you fell in love? That feeling of pure awe and wonderment? The courtship...of holding hands and blushing as you gazed into the other person's eyes? The first soft, clumsy kiss...the thought that you'd spend the rest of your life with them? I think some of us wish we could go back to that time of innocence...well at least for me, it was....okay well for the most part it was.
The first boy I fell in love with was several years ahead of me in highschool. From the moment I saw him, I was smitten. He was intelligent and funny and made me feel special. We had so much fun together, those first few weeks, and than one day out of the blue (at least it was for me) he called me and told me it was over. My young heart was torn to pieces. I didn't get it, and was given a lame excuse. Shortly thereafter, the true reason was revealed. He liked one of my friends...and the two of them proceeded to go out for several years. It at the time, broke my heart.
What's amazing is that first feeling of "love" and heartbreak has stuck with me all of these years (almost 20...). I remember every single detail of our dates, what we said...and all that we did...the way he smelled and sounded...the exact dilation of his pupils. After all of these years, the memories have left an imprint. I'll still hear certain songs, or watch a movie we saw together and it's like it was yesterday. What's odd, is that I don't remember any other relationships (other than of course the one I have with my wonderful husband) quite the way I do that one. Google calls it the "First Love" phenomenon (no REALLY...that's what it's called:)). Apparently the most intense impressions and moments of recall are formed from age 10 until 30. I was 14 at the time, so I suppose it makes sense.
Ah....nostalgia.
