Today. Tomorrow. Someday.

Do you ever think about what the future will bring? I do. Actually, I've been thinking about it a lot lately...waiting...wondering...impatient anticipation.

I've never been big on surprises. Although I'm more than fine with change, I've recently come to the realization that I like everything to be planned out. It's easier to deal with something when I have it on my check list and I can cross it off once it's completed. Unfortunately, life isn't like that. You can't always plan for all that lies ahead...and personally, I find it to be a little scary. When life throws me a curve ball, I feel a little on the anxious side and don't quite know what to do with it.

Big changes...opportunities...are on the horizon. I'll soon be heading back to school to work toward my M.B.A. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time and now that it's hear I'm giddy with excitement. School puts my life into perspective...maybe for the fact that it is something that's carefully layed out...the syllabus directing my every movement.

Work has been going exceedingly well. Of course I have areas that I need improvement in, however, as time goes on, I'm sure those things will come to a resolution. I'm learning different approaches everyday and it's a wonderful feeling to be faced with new challenges.

Personally speaking, I'm in a rut. I feel like life has recently become a bit on the mundane side. It's not that I want or need constant turmoil in my life, but the slow pace as compared to other areas in my life is providing me with too much time to get lost in my mind. Over-thinking things can turn me into my own worst enemy. Unresolved feelings and emotions have been spilling over lately...once the flood gates opened...it's been difficult for me to turn it off.

There are so many things in this life that I want to achieve...so many things that I want that I cannot have...so many things that I want to say and do...and can't. I'm just going to have to sit with it for awhile and accept that I can't have everything MY way. There's truly a difference between wanting and needing things and it's easy for the lines to become blurry. What happens when you both want and need something you cannot have? Where do you go? How do you put it away and suppress everything you know is real?

Maybe once I focus on school and continue to pour my energy into work, I'll feel better...feel better about myself...who I am...who I want to be... Unfortunately right now, I'll have to admit, I'm not myself. I'm not happy on the inside, even if I portray it most days outwardly. There's a profound sadness within me that just wants to get out and demand to be heard. It will eventually pass.

I've always thought that I was an excellent communicator...and I'm finding that maybe I'm not. I used to think that I could always express myself whenever I wanted to...yet now for some reason, I'm becoming more and more introverted in my approach and outlook on life.

I've been asking myself a lot of questions as of late. What is it that I want? What am I missing? What am I wholeheartedly searching for? The answers will eventually make an appearance...now only if I had the patience to wait and see.

I miss my old self. The confident person I thought I was...not this insecure imposter that has been lying in wait and rearing its ugly head. I need me back.

Maybe I'm just sleep deprived...