A Little Bit of Sunshine and A Lot of Other Stuff

This is the longest period of time I've been mad in as far back as I can recall. I seriously need to get into a good mood...and soon!

One very positive thing that I have to look forward to is my upcoming trip to Minnesota. It's definitely time for me to return to my roots and camp out with some of my closest friends. My girls have been there for me since I was 18-years-old, and I always know I'll have a major spirit lift the moment I see their faces.

As I've mentioned on numerous occasions, friendship is extremely important to me. The relationships I hold closest, are the ones I've probably had to work the hardest for.

Back in 1992, I met both Gabby and Jen at a party. I was new to town and randomly met some guy at a candle kiosk at a nearby mall. Soon after I arrived at the gathering, Jen came over to me, and from that moment on, I can't remember a time where she hasn't been an integral part of my life. Gabby and I grew closer as the months went by, but it was definitely a friendship that took a bit longer to develop. Now that I have it, I'm eternally grateful. Both have been through all of the trials and triumphs in my life, and I've been there for the births of their many children. No matter what I'm going through in my life, I know I can always pick up the phone and will hear a comforting voice at the end of the line. How lucky am I? This September will mark 16 years of friendship... I cannot imagine my life without either one of them.

A friend of mine recently mentioned that they always know to read my blog if they can't figure out what's going through my head. I wish I could outwardly...vocally express everything that runs through my thoughts. I'm not sure if it's that I don't want others to look at me like I'm a nut-job...or if it's that I'm afraid of getting hurt by my words.

Words can never be taken back, and I've learned to be very selective in what I say these days. I'd never want to say something I'd later regret, and lately what I've truly wanted to say to certain people, probably would.

I'm not sure if I'm in a rut, or have a case of the blues, but what I do know is that I'm mad and very frustrated. I'm partially mad at myself for allowing my emotions to get the best of me. I'm frustrated, because now I'm dealing with the consequences. I feel like I went out a limb and shared a piece of myself that very few people will ever know, and now feel like I've been burned in a bad burn kind of way. What I'm now afraid of...is the reality that I'm going into shut-down/shut-off mode, and once I go full-throttle in that direction, it's near-to-impossible for me to return to my usual state.

I'm at a complete and total loss.