Gone Like The Wind

Wow has life been busy lately. Between work and school, I've had little time to enjoy things the way I used to. First of all, it would be great for my soul to have an opportunity to take a vacation...and I don't mean a Friday off-go-back-to-work on Monday type of occasion. It seems like everything revolves around bills and this terrible recession. Wouldn't it be grand if I won the lottery and only left a forwarding address to a select few of my friends and family?

Lately I've realized how much friendship means and entails. Recently, I've had several friends in crisis. Let's face it, life can be challenging at times, and doesn't always work out the way in which we ever expected or wanted. At the end of the day, what matters most (at least for me), are my relationships with others.

While I'd like to think that I've been an above par friend, especially lately to several of my nearest and dearest, not everyone views it in the same light as me. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I can honestly say - and know in my heart - that I have been a GREAT friend to many. Perfect? No. Have I made more than my share of mistakes? Most definitely. Do I sometimes speak out of turn, say more than I should, be brutally honest? Definitely. Does it make me a bad friend or person. I don't think so.

I'm saddened by the loss of a friendship approximately seven days ago. Am I sure - positively for sure as to what, when, why, or how it exactly ended? Well...sort of? Did I say or do anything outlandish? Nope. Am I going to beat myself up about it? Most certainly not.

I'd like to think that I learn from most of my mistakes. I'd like to believe that I'm in the right...and I still with all of my heart feel that I am. I know that I've been an amazingly supportive friend...listened to countless hours of friendshippy stuff...stood by even when I didn't agree with numerous things...told the truth...lavished them with attention, gifts, and love, and above all respect. Did I get it return? The honest answer is...sometimes. Did I get all that I wanted and needed? No. Did I express myself and vocalize how I felt. Yes. Did it hurt me in the end? It sure did.

No goodbye.

No rationale.

Just silence.

Do I feel used?

Betrayed?

Yep.

It's a shame. It's a shame when you put all of your heart in soul into something. Bow down and bend over and make yourself available at any given time. Jump when the phone rings...or my phone dings with a new message or text...and not have it returned.

Oh well. I suppose I've learned a hard lesson. Should I be surprised? I guess not. It ended just as I expected.

Running away is easy...sticking it out and being there no matter what is what makes a person stronger.

I wore my heart on my sleeve, shared my most intimate thoughts, shared more than I have with another person, and as a result, had my heart stomped on...was made to feel like I no longer exist...was made to feel like all that I put into it was a whole lot of nothing. I've realized that I cannot control how other people act, what they say or do, and I'm hurt...and to be frank...a little more than mad.

I am wiser...and will probably never trust anyone the way I once did ever again.