A Hodge Podge Of Stuff

It's crazy how certain things from your past can stay with you into adulthood. I firmly believe that all that happens to you as a child and teenager, often makes or breaks you in your adult life.

This past Wednesday I stopped at the local 7-11 to get a magazine on my way to lunch. It may sound weird, but I'm not comfortable eating at restaurants alone...but I digress. So anyway, I'm at the cash register paying for my Cosmopolitan, and I hear a voice from my past behind me. The voice was attached to a large, poorly dressed, manly, mustached woman with an even worse version of Kate (from Jon and Kate Plus 8 on TLC) Gosselin's spikey hairdo. I'm sure my description sounds pretty mean, however, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm not feeling bad about it whatsoever as I type this blog. The person I just described was my tormentor...my bully from kindergarten through the end of high school. I have not seen this woman since 1992, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up once I realized who it was.

Kids can be mean. Cruel. Awful. Unfortunately, I bared the brunt of some hardcore bullying in my youth for a variety of reasons. Part of it was due to my medical issues, missing a lot of school because of my medical issues, not being able to relate to people my own age, and likely because I've always worn my emotions on my face...and she knew that she got to me...just like the rest of the pack of wolves she seemed to send in my direction.

I came home from school crying nearly every single day until 6th grade when my mother transferred me to another school. I typically felt sick to my stomach every single day. It got to the point where I would try and conjure up any ailment under the sun so I wouldn't have to go to hell Monday through Friday... it was that bad. I desparately tried to fit in; joined the Brownies, and eventually Girl Scouts, but that turned out to be a big mistake. Her mother was our "troop" leader, and was a big fat bully herself.

In highschool I wound up in numerous classes with her... I felt like I could never be myself when she was nearby. Inevitably I ended up graduating a semester early, and during my last day of gym class, two of the girls who had at one point been her minions apologized to me for all of the stuff they had done to me over the years. It was kind and heartfelt...and I geniunely appreciated it.

So why am I bringing up all of this? Being evil makes you an old and bitter person...and let me tell you...she has definitely lived a very unfulfilling life. I could see it in every crease and wrinkle on her face. To be honest with you, for a brief moment I even felt a little bit sorry for her. Sorry that she felt she had to be mean to a little girl that just wanted to have friends... sorry that she felt that she had to make someone else's life as miserable as possible to make her feel better about herself. It really backfired on her!!!

The very same night after I ran into her, I couldn't sleep (not because of her) and Oprah happened to be on t.v. It was a show about grade school bullying and the recent string of suicides related to it. In my opinion it was a show anyone who has children should watch. It also should be a reminder to those who are educators that it is their JOB, their DUTY to make sure that young and innocent children are made to feel safe and cherished and respected.

I realized a long time ago that not everyone is going to like who you are in this life. Heck, there are plenty of people I'm not very fond of, however, I would never treat them as though they weren't worth more than dirty gum on the bottom of my shoe. I would never ever want to make someone feel like they didn't matter.

I'm really not writing any of this from a "woe is me" place, just reflecting back on a place I was a very long time ago. I'm sincerely glad that I'm not there anymore. Once in awhile I suppose, it's not a terribly awful thing to look back on certain encounters that have become a part of who you are today. I feel okay with the person I am, and I think I am a heck of a lot nicer and compassionate even if it did really hurt like hell at the time. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Life has definitely had its challenges, especially over the past year, some of course self-created. I can't say that I'm in a "great" place right now. There's a lot of inner turmoil and conflict in this head of mine in present day. I have so many emotions racing around; so many things I want to say and do and can't...well I guess it's not that I can't, it's that even if I did, it wouldn't matter. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe it...

As always there's a silver lining. I finished my second MBA course on Wednesday...I was complimented by my boss today...the weather is getting warmer and the sun has been shining a little more often...I can laugh at myself...I like my hair...my dogs are cute...summer is just around the bend and I'll have lots of Fridays off until September...True Blood is going to be back on the air in less then a month...I'll be participating in more work-related presentations soon...I still have all of my own teeth...the list goes on and on...